Pumping iron

The other day several of my co-workers and I were talking about exercising and lifting weights. Personally, I consider lifting extremely boring. However, after some talking, my co-workers convinced me that I should probably lift weights (talk about a pushover). I should have just stuck to my annual ten push ups and called it a year. One night, after running six miles, I decided that, that night would be my initiation into my weight lifting program.

As I confidently walked into the weight room, chest puffed out, my confidently held shoulders began to slouch as I realized I did not know where anything was and I did not recognize any of the machines. I casually walked around, acting as if I had a lifting plan, and found a machine I recognized. I sat down at the weight machine that requires the lifter to use their body weight or ab strength (I used my subpar upper body strength), to push their chest against the weight arm. The goal of the machine is to exercise the abdominals (saying abdominals makes me think of the bender ball commercials, "I love my abdominals.").

I sat for a minute, got my weight lifting face on, slowly leaned back, and then smashed my chest into the leather padded arm of the machine. As I smashed into the plush pad, the machine essentially rejected me, and catapulted my upper body in the opposite direction. Realizing I must have done something wrong, I casually looked around to ensure that no one had seen me so I could maintain my facade of "experienced weight lifter." I looked at the machine and realized I needed to change a dial to reduce the weight...of course! I reenacted the same sequence of events that were implemented the first time, and yet again I was rejected. Again, I sheepishly looked around to ensure my secret was safe, and inspected my mistake. Duh, the weight was set at 150 lbs, of course the machine wasn't going to budge.

Finally! I figured out the machine's secret, and was ready to break it in. Leaning back even farther than before, because I was confident this time was "the one", I rammed my body into the machine. Expecting to move the machine, I bounced backward. Epic failure.

Instead of making another attempt to move the machine, I moved my body and my abdominals out of the weight room, to my car, and went home. Weight lifting machine, I hate you. This concludes this story and my weight lifting program.

Update: Turns out I was supposed to have my upper body on the opposite side of the arm which meant I needed to push my back into the arm causing my abs to extend......I knew that.